Well it’s that time of year again when gurus, thought leaders, know-it-alls, and your Uncle Jerry all make their predictions for 2014.  Never mind the fact that they were completely wrong about their 2013 predictions, this is a new year and a brand new chance to be completely off-base.

So why should I be any different? And unlike Uncle Jerry, I can give you my stone-cold guarantee that my predictions are 100% accurate*:

1. An area teenager will discover with bewilderment that his mobile device can be used to make phone calls.
2. Some blogger will do a “Five Things Marketers
   can Learn from 2014 Predictions Lists” post.
3. CDC scientists will be stumped when a YouTube video on ‘bacterial infection’ goes viral.
4. Chaos will erupt on Facebook when someone posts the comment “Damn, that’s one ugly baby” to a newborn’s pic.
5. Marketers will find a way to fuck up Instagram.
6. Google will offer to buy a new social network for $87B. The 24 y/o founder will reel in disgust at the low-ball offer.
7. Scooby & the gang will rip the mask off Eric Snowden to reveal its really Mark Zuckerberg in disguise.
8. Your Internet Explorer browser will crash 47 times.
9. “That Guy” will carry on a loud 4 hour phone conversation on the red eye flight because the FAA said he could.
10. The History Channel will launch the reality show “Searching for Blackberry User”.
11. 2014 will be the 13th Anniversary of “This is the Year of Mobile”.
    
12. Your wife will erase all the episodes of ‘The Walking Dead’ from your DVR  to make room for the new season of ‘Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’.
13. Based on their surveillance efforts, the NSA will publish a book called “The 100 Most Boring People in America”.  I will be #46.
14. A Millennial will be in tears when she finds out her great performance review doesn’t come with a trophy.
15. No worries, her helicopter Mom will buy her one.
16. Some “Analyst” on CNBC, who’s never even started a lemonade stand, will opine on what Twitter needs to do next to stay relevant.
17. Someone will actually fall for the ol’ Nigerian Prince email scam.
18. Teens will flee Snapchat upon seeing their Dads posting selfies on the social network.
19. Twitter will launch a new platform targeted to politicians that will have a 50,000 character limit.
20. Someone will say something on Twitter that will offend somebody somewhere.  Society will wring their hands in disgust until 2 days later when someone else says something on Twitter that will offend somebody somewhere else.
21. My Mom will still think a ‘blog’ is a monster from a 1950’s B-horror movie.
22. “That douchebag” at the conference will hog all the outlets.
23. A local Starbucks will face a social media crisis when ‘that weird guy who never buys anything’ complains about the slow Wi-Fi in the store to his 37 followers.
24. Social Media gurus will blast Starbucks for their response to ‘that weird guy who never buys anything’ and explain how they would have handled it.
25. The kids in waiting in line to catch the opening of The Hunger Games will mock the kids waiting in line to get the new iPhone.

So there you have it, my digital predictions for 2014.  I hope you all have a predictably prosperous new year!

* 60% of the time