Kristin Stewart: The Greatest Crisis Management Guru of All Time

Kristen Stewart is a TrampireGranted she is just the smokin’ hot young actress from the Twilight series, but if the acting thing doesn’t work out Kristin Stewart might have a career as the world’s great Crisis Management Consultant.  No really, I’m serious about that.  Witness her recent scandal where she was caught canoodling with the very-married and 20 years her senior, director of the Twilight series, Rupert Sanders.

Her response to the allegations were straight from the “Here’s how you handle a crisis” playbook.  Let’s take a look:

On July 17, 2012, the actress was caught by photographers in a series of steamy rendezvous with her Snow White and the Huntsman director, Rupert Sanders, 41 and on July 24th those photos were splashed across the pages of US Weekly.

On July 25, 2012 Stewart issues the following statement to People Magazine:

I’m deeply sorry for the hurt and embarrassment I’ve caused to those close to me and everyone this has affected. This momentary indiscretion has jeopardized the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I’m so sorry.

Boom!

So what did she do right?

1. She responded quickly.  Rather than let the media or tabloids (are they the same things?) drive the narrative, she immediately responded to the allegations. By owning the story you own the direction it takes.  Typically, companies will adopt the “close your eyes and cover your ears” response and hope it will all go away.  As John Edwards will tell you, it doesn’t always happen that way

2. She told the truth – Many crisis experts will recite the adage “it’s not the crime, it’s the cover-up.” Isn’t that right President Nixon? Rather than to the typical knee jerk “The allegations are totally false and I will work aggressively to clear my name” routine, Stewart admitted to the affair and in doing so neutered the story in its tracks.  Is any of this making any sense to you U.S. Representative Anthony Weiner?

3. Her statement was brief and to the point. Rather than write a soliloquy explaining herself she stuck with a simple, matter of fact admission. No excuses. No detailed explanation. This is in contrast to the epic Tiger Woods’ explanation of his sordid affairs which almost needed commercial break s it was so long.

4. She apologized – There was no finger pointing, no scapegoating, just a simple admission and apology. She didn’t even name her canoodling partner. Is this making any sense Time magazine writer, Washington Post columnist, and CNN host Fareed Zakaria?

5. She was sincere – Her statement is an obvious heartfelt apology.  This wasn’t something run through her publicists or legal team and it shows. Any of this sinking in Rush Limbaugh?

Of course, her perfect response to the allegation put her “team” into panic mode as they worked to downplay and even deny the affair, which only served to bring focus back on the rumors when Stewart had effectively squashed the story.  This brings us to another rule of crisis management:

6. Manage the crisis through a clear and consistent message – preferably through a designated spokesperson. In this case Stewart was that spokesperson.  By contradicting her statement they have only reignited the scandal and begged the media to wonder what really happened. Way to go overzealous publicist people.

Has she taking her lumps? Of course she has and so will you. But she minimized the damage by following a perfectly executed crisis management plan. And if losing that douchebag Robert Pattinson is part of the punishment then I would say she’s already way ahead!

So say what you will about Kristen Stewart’s acting chops, but if you’re ever in need of a good Crisis Communication Consultant give the Trampire a call because she probably handled her crisis better than you’ll handle yours.

LinkedIn and When “Free” is not “Free”

I drank a fucking boatload of Jack Daniel’s. To the point where they sent me a deed for one square foot of land in Tennessee so that I could officially be a Tennessee squire. I offered to do an ad for them after that, and I got a very nice letter back saying, “Bill, we love you, but this shit sells itself.  – Bill Maher

A couple days ago I got an email from LinkedIn offering a ‘Free Month of LinkedIn Premium’.  Hmm, I thought, LinkedIn is really the shit when is come to getting found by employers.  I can honestly say that absolutely every opportunity brought to me in the last couple years has come through LinkedIn.  More interestingly, in every occasion, it was the actual employer, not a headhunter that contacted me.

<SIDENOTE: This is bad news if you’re a headhunter or monster.com)

All of this exposure came through a regular LinkedIn profile and without any active outreach on my part.  I’m actually quite content where I’m at.  So before I get on my rant about LinkedIn, first let me say this: If you don’t have a complete profile set-up on LinkedIn, stop reading this now and go do it.

Now!

I’m Serious.

I’ll stop typing until you get back…

See wasn’t that easy?

Ok, here’s the rant I promised and if you listen close there’s a lesson here for all Marketers.

So I got this email from LinkedIn…

 

Notice the call to action…

Free is sometimes not free

Wow! Personalized and everything! It’s like they said “Dean we know you like us and we like you too. And since we like each other so much we’re gonna do you a favor.”  So with the bait set, I started thinking that as good a LinkedIn has been, maybe I could get even more from it with LinkedIn Premium.  I knew there were other paid versions of LinkedIn, but hadn’t thought too much about it until this email arrived.  Bravo LinkedIn Email team.  I’ll bite and give you a click-through.  Nothing to lose right?

So what do I see next?

LinkedIn Premium Options

Ok, this is good; it’s clearly spelling out the differences between the various levels of LinkedIn accounts.  I can clearly see what I have, and what I’m missing out on.  I’m still in your web LinkedIn!  Great job so far.  Let’s get that “Free” trial….

There's no such thing as a free lunch

Wait…what the f#&K is this??? It’s like, a checkout page, with like, credit card info and shit.  I thought this was free?  I mean it said “free” all over the place?  When does “free” mean “give us your credit card info?”  The answer of course is “free” means give us your credit card when it’s not an offer to try a solution more so than an offer to test your memory.

It’s at that point I notice the subtle reminder…

Linkedin Fine Print

Well LinkedIn, this is where I jump off.  Geez and you were so close.

I wish us Marketing folks would quit it with these shady tricks (that’s all they are – tricks).  You see,

“Free” is “Free”.

“Free” is not surcharges, hidden fees, shipping & handling, fine print.

“Free” is “Free”.

“Free” is not “Free*”

* Discount applies to the promotional period only. Your card will start being charged when the promotional period has ended.

“Free” is “Free”

“Free” is not “Hey we’ll let you try it but not before you give us your credit card info so we can unscrupulously charge you in 30 days because by then you’ve forgotten about even signing up for the trial and our research department said that while 38% of you will be pissed off and call us to bitch and complain causing some bad PR that we’ll smooth over with a slick social media camnpaign, 62% of you won’t even notice the charge and it will be a revenue windfall for us which is important cuz we’re a public company and need to grow revenue so our shareholders will be happy.”

 ###

As a Marketer I want to offer a good product at a fair price with great service and support.  As a consumer I want the same things.  As a Marketer if I have to employ “tricks” to sell my product, it means that my product can’t stand on its own.  As a Marketer, it also means that I’m lazy and resorting the same bag of tricks that I detest as a consumer.

Let’s be better than that.  Let’s promote our products and services the way we would want them promoted to us.  Let’s forget that 3 pt. font exists and stop it with the fine print.  Let’s stop thinking about fooling the customer and think about how to provide value to the customer.

In the end, LinkedIn, a service I love, missed an opportunity to give me a taste of LinkedIn Premium with no-strings attached.  They could have given me the upgrade “truly free” for 30 days, shown me value, and then pitched me.   Instead, they gambled, asked for credit card info and hoped I’d forget the ticking clock of the trial and somehow not notice the recurring charges.  And that hurts my heart.

Message:

To LinkedIn: Your product is better than that, you don’t need to resort to “Trick Marketing”

To Marketers: If you need to resort to “Trick Marketing” to sell your product, try instead to make your product so good it doesn’t need tricks.  Or as wise old Jack Daniels might say: “Make the shit sell itself”.

Digital Marketing Buzzword BINGO: 2012 Edition

Hey folks, chances are you are headed to the latest greatest new media/social media/digital marketing conference sometime soon where gurus, ninjas, rock stars, and mavens of the industry will tell you the same bullshit they told you last year. But to make everything sound new they are going to wrap that same old shit in brand new monikers. And let’s face it, if you don’t know the lingo, your peers are going to laugh at you, and your chances to be taken seriously will be greatly impaired. So, after weeks of research I have assembled the definitive list of terms to look out for in 2012, while you traverse the country attending these various wastes of time valuable events. And in order to make it interesting for you I have assembled all these terms on a convenient and fun to play BINGO card.

So be sure to bring this along to your next conference. The rules are easy, the more terms you cross-off at your next conference as they are mentioned, the more bullshit you’re being bamboozled with. If, by chance, you should happen to fill in the entire card, well, then you’re probably at SXSW.

Digital Marketing Buzzword Bingo

Communication and the Art of Not Communicating

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV. – Jerry Seinfeld

Recently Jeremiah Owyang (@jowyang) tweeted a photo from the stage of his panel at SXSWi. His intent was to show the throng of people who had showed up for his early morning panel. I’d like to discuss how attending a 9:30 a.m. panel classifies one as a “morning bird”, but that post is for another day. What struck me about his picture is the fact that not one, let me repeat that, “NOT ONE” of the people pictured in his audience is in a conversation with their neighbor. Seriously, look. Everyone’s attention is focused on whatever is happening on their mobile device. Here we are at SXSWi – the “i” stands for “Interactive” by the way – and there isn’t one person “interacting”. An entire conference focused on how to engage with people, communicate your message, develop your digital listening skills, and we have an audience doing none of that…

Communication?

I’ll admit that I am being hypocritical here, and I am as fused to my phone as anyone. Hell, I’m not even paying attention to myself as I write this because I’m more curious as to what’s going on in my Facebook news stream. But this photo is stunning to me. When did we become so adept and aware of the importance of communication yet completely lose the ability to communicate?

Everywhere I go, I see the scene in Jeremiah’s audience playing out. In airports, malls, family gatherings, and most frighteningly, behind the wheel of cars!!! We have become so consumed with consuming the world within our mobile devices that we no longer notice the real world go on around us.

Technology allows us to do magical things that we couldn’t have dreamt about even 10 years ago. And that is a good thing. But it has also made us slaves to those things. Paraphrasing Seinfeld, we don’t want to know what’s going on around us; we want to know what’s else is going on.

I got an idea. Let’s take some time everyday and look for opportunities to engage with the people around us, you know, like in the olden days before iphones, when we really communicated with each other. Next time you’re in the audience at an event, waiting for Jeremiah (or whomever) to tell you how important it is to communicate with your audience…communicate with your audience – those people around you – ya, that guy sitting right next to you. Stop tweeting, stop checking in, stop posting, stop texting, and stop browsing because that guy right next to you has a fascinating story to share, and so do you.

The Championship of the 2012 @deanshaw Twitter Madness Tourney

As a boy growing up in Winnipeg, Manitoba, I had dreams. Dreams of scoring the winning goal in the Stanley Cup finals, dreams of one day walking on the moon, dreams of starring alongside Goldie Hawn in a badly producedThe Twitter Madness Championship Trophy romantic comedy, and dreams of one day winning the @deanshaw Twitter Madness Tourney. But alas those dreams were derailed by poor skating skills, a moth-balled space program, a shortcoming in Hollywood good-looks, and ineligibility to participate in my own Twitter Tourney. Just as the stars aligned against me, they shot beacons of hope to 64 competitors in this year’s tournament. One by one those stars dimmed until there were just two remaining challengers for this year’s crown.

The last Tweeters standing are @jowyang and @jimsterne. They both showed the mettle, endurance, and acumen over each of their opponents to meet here in the Twitter Madness Final. As legends in their respective fields this promised to be a rock ‘em sock ‘em final. Let’s go to the action shall we?

Tale of the Tape

Tale of the Tape

Color Commentary: @jowyang
Jeremiah showed his usual consistency during the final, bringing the noise AND the funk. He appeared to say “This is who I am, take me or leave me” This was a surprisingly courageous strategy given that this was likely the most important two days of tweeting in his life. But he showed amazing poise as he offered up some great tweets including:

Worst URLs Ever!

Which revealed some amazingly funny (and real) corporate URLs like:

* Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at http://www.expertsexchange.com

* Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at http://www.penisland.net

* Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company… http://www.powergenitalia.com

The snarky but insightful:

Jowyang Facebook

And alerting us to a new search engine that no one will ever use:

Duck Duck Go

He was really focused and effective until…

iPhone bug
iPhone Bug
iPhone Bug

In a jaw-dropping twitter meltdown, Jeremiah became distracted by an iPhone glitch that derailed the intense focus that had become his hallmark. By the time the issue was resolved, the buzzer had sounded on his Twitter Madness Championship. But did he do enough to win?

Color Commentary: @jimsterne
Unlike Jeremiah, Jim took an opposite tact for the final, and in chameleon-like fashion departed from his normal web/social media measurement focus to go “all in” on the Twitter Madness Tourney. At much risk to his legion of Twitter followers, who undoubtedly thought Jim had fallen off the Tweet wagon, Jim mixed in a heavy dose of content targeting the championship that he knew was needed to win the competition and gain true social media credibility.

So in addition to his normal tweet programming, Jim surgically addressed my blog post “The Complete List of 25 Tweet Types” posting examples of each type of tweet douchebaggery with amazing accuracy.

A sampling of 25 Tweet Types

So it would seem obvious that this would cement a victory for the metrics man right? Well, actually not really. How’s that for suspense?

Final Analysis:
Ok, ya see folks, the thing with this Twitter stuff is that it’s all really just an endless stream of blather with a shelf life of about 10 sec. before it evaporates into the digital ether. You can talk about “influence” and “engagement”, and God forbid, “Klout” all you want, but in the end all that stuff is just bullshit. “Real” engagement doesn’t happen here in the digital world – it happens at your work, on your campus, on the field, in the grocery store, and at home. That’s were real connections are made. So put down your laptop, your phone, your Twitter, your Facebook, and go talk to someone, you know, someone non-digital, and go have a real conversation.

And without further ado (drum roll please…or rim shot….your choice) the winner of the 2012 @deanshaw Twitter Madness Tournament is:

@jimsterne

Listen, I think all of the people I follow on Twitter are great, especially those who made it in this year’s tourney. You keep me informed, make me laugh, often ruin my productivity, and make life a little more interesting. For that, I thank you all!

But what separated Jim this year was the fact that the tournament started with me being an absolute unknown in his world. As the tournament progressed and Jim moved along in it, we interacted (digitally) about the tournament. At some point we inspired each other to create blog posts. Me in a post called ‘Social Media; Influence, Engagement and the Elusive ROI’ (For what it’s worth Jim told me I was wrong and threw a pox on my house) and Jim in a post entitled ‘Social Intercourse: How to Score Online

Eventually, however, the “digital” became “human” and ended on the patio of a Starbucks in North Carolina, where Jim and I traded wild and woolly stories from the world of analytics. The vapor of Twitter had turned into the caramel macchiato of real conversation. And that, my friend, is “engagement”.

@deanshaw and @jimsterne chillin'

Congratulations Jim!

So there you have it. The 2102 @deanshaw Twitter Madness Tourney.

Congratulation to the runner-up @jowyang who will assume the crown should @jimsterne be unable to fulfill the requirements of champion. Odds are 50/50 on that.

Finally, congratulations to all tourney participants, who all bring value to my twitterstream every day.

See you all again in 2013.

@deanshaw

Now back to my regularly scheduled and woefully backlogged blog posts

To check out the final brackets go to @deanshaw Twitter Madness 2012 Brackets
For more info on the tourney check out my 2012 Twitter Madness Tourney Page

The Big Dance – 2012 @deanshaw Twitter Madness Championship Set

@deanshaw 2012 Twitter Madness Tourney - Final Four

Phil Buckley (@1918) made this & I am shamelessly using it Goddamit.

It was just a few weeks ago that 64 hopefuls enter the arena of Twitter competition in the 2012 @deanshaw Twitter Madness Tourney. From longshots to titans, from locals to global icons, each held of dream of walking away with the prestigious title of Twitter Madness Champion. This honor sits alongside the Green Jacket, the Oscar, and a Nobel Peace Prize as one of the world’s most revered honors. Last year, a country bumpkin named @spikejones from Austin came from virtual obscurity to become the competition’s first champion. On Wednesday (or whenever I can get to the results – I’m friggin’ busy people), a new champion will join him.

And who will vie for this most cherished title? Well, let’s take a look at the final four matchups…

@jimsterne v. @1918: Phil (@1918) Buckley continued his unlikely and inspired run into his Final 4 matchup against web analytics wonderman @jimsterne. Phil ignored the Las Vegas bookies, who offered him at a bazillion to 1 odds, and powered his way into the Final 4 doing what he does best; offering a mix of compelling SEO-focused marketing links, original content on his blog, and promoting and engaging with local social media birds of a feather. Ya see Phil doesn’t pine to be a small fish in a big pond, preferring to be a quite massive fish in our humble Raleigh-Durham pond. I swear there isn’t a marketing related event in the Triangle that Phil isn’t smack dab in the middle of. I heard he’ll even venture to Carrboro if the hippie tree-huggers promise not to hound him for autographs.

Perhaps the most steady-eddie competitor in this year’s Tourney, Phil stuck with his tried and true game plan starting with cordial note to his adversary @jimsterne. Frankly I would have preferred some good old-fashioned trash talk but Phil always takes the high road on these types of interactions. He followed up with some of his usual high quality SEO content but lest you thought he was a one trick pony also added some mad design skillz to the competition, designing the Final Four image you see here. I’m pretty sure it was Phil’s way of saying “Dean, your images suck, get a load of this”, but I’m not gonna take that personal (cough…..point deductions…cough). Finally, he was able to slip in the word ‘bacon’ in a couple tweets scoring him a quick 76.24 Twitter Madness points. In short, Phil put up a great score and dared @jimsterne to beat it.

That brings us to @jimsterne. The heavy favorite coming into the matchup, Jim came out swinging starting with a congenial acknowledgement of his opponent Phil, scoring major points by sharing a link to Phil’s blog, despite the increased visibility and influence it was sure to afford Phil with the Sterne followers. In addition to his regular sharing of web analytic content (this hits the bulls-eye of my professional heart and soul) he tweeted some things he probably wasn’t even aware would contribute to his Final Four success.

First, he tweeted this:
'Nothing happens until someone gets pissed off' - Tom Peters

Two things stuck out here:
1. @mktgdouchebag was actually a competitor in last year’s @deanshaw Twitter Madness Tourney Final Four, seeing his name come up at this point in the competition reminded me of the excitement of last year’s tourney as well as just how small this social media world is.
2. I LOVE that freakin quote cuz I think its soooooo true. Let’s get pissed off America and make sh*t happen!

Next, he tweeted this:

Little did Jim know that I spent 12 years of my life in T.O. (as us Torontonians call it) and the image of that skyline reminded me of how much I love that city. Seriously folks, if you’re on the fence about this emetrics thing, just go. It’s in freakin’ Toronto. And stop by Lee’s Palace and watch some sweaty, local alternative rock. They may say something about me skippin’ out on a tab but they’re definitely talking about a different Dean Shaw.

I heart you Toronto

I heart you Toronto

Then he tweeted:

Why yes I do call myself an analyst and yes I did buy 10 lottery tickets. Eff you @jimsterne!
(Note: I’ll be at work Monday so it’s fair to assume that I didn’t win the lottery and Jim “may” get the last laugh here)

Mega Lottery Loser

Running scared from @1918’s stellar performance and continuing his Venn diagram fascination he threw this is the ring:

deanjshaw.com venn diagram

and so as not to look like he was pandering to the judge, he then offered a candid and telling opinion of my tweeting prowess:

(p.s. they turned down my order explaining my tweets weren’t worthy of such fine parchment)

Not content with questioning my acumen, he once again poked ‘retargeting’ fun at himself:

Oooh la la

Spanx Jim???? I’m blushing for you.

Finally, in an attempt to bring some culture to this sordid event, he offered up his prose in the form of a limerick:

Wow! This is horrible!

Sadly, he lost 746 points for this as it was quite simply HORRIBLE, and embarrassed leprechauns everywhere.

In the end @1918 was very strong, but @jimsterne was stronger. But be warned 2013 Twitter Madness Tourney competitors, the secret is out and look for @1918 to be a favorite in next year’s spectacle

Winner: @jimsterne

===============

@jowyang v. @kaimac: It’s obvious @kaimac wasn’t listening to the sage counseling I gave @RudiShumpert at the conclusion of Elite 8 matchups so let me freakin’ repeat….

“Folks, let me be clear on something. When you get to the Elite 8 of the @deanshaw Twitter Madness Tourney and you don’t tweet on the first day of the matchup you disrespect me. But you not only disrespect me, you also disrespect your country, the Corps, and your Mama.”

I don’t know how clearer I could have been on this. I mean anyone who speaks English could not….wait a minute…@kaimac is Irish. I mean right off the boat smelling of beer and potatoes Irish.* Could it be that writing these posts in English as opposed to @kaimac’s native Gaelic has caused confusion for the young lad? If that’s the case, then I offer this to @kaimac:

Cad é na fuck cearr le fear agat? Ná tuigeann tú go bhfuil tú i @deanshaw Tourney Twitter Madness Final Four? Cuir síos ar an Guiness agus do cheann a fháil ar an Mick cluiche!

I’m glad I cleared that up.

On a positive note he did come strong on day 2 with a tweet offering last year’s champ @spikejones advice on serving me with a restraining order. I need that kind of discipline now and again.

As for @jowyang he seemed to find his groove with a variety of Twitter goodness including (but not limited to):

Comparing Apple fanboys to potato crazy Japanese monkeys.
Genetically modified goats mutated with Spider DNA to create spider webs in milk.
• Theorizing that our grandkids will laugh at our ‘paper’ and ‘metal’ system of currency
• A cute and boyishly naïve belief that Google+ has a hope in Hell (even though his own blog has no +1 capabilities)

* I don’t know this to be fact and it may be a gross mischaracterization and stereotyping of @kaimac and Irish people everywhere. Then again my Irish friend ‘Gus-Boy’ has been in America for almost 20 years and does, in fact, still smell of beer and potatoes.

Winner: @jowyang

===============

So there you have it, 64 competitors whittled down to 2 battle worthy competitors. To quote Denver Bronco quarterback Peyton Manning (ok that sounds weird), “IT’S ON LIKE DONKEY KONG!

Let’s have at it boys!

As for @kaimac and @1918, you have inspired a nation gentleman…ok…probably not…now shoo.

To check out the brackets go to @deanshaw Twitter Madness 2012 Brackets
For more info on the tourney check out my 2012 Twitter Madness Tourney Page

@deanshaw 2012 Twitter Madness Tourney: Elite 8 Edition

2012 Twitter Madness Tourney: Elite 8 Wrap Up
2012 Round Elite 8 Wrap Up

I believe it was Walt Whitman who said “Damn, the @deanshaw Twitter Madness Tourney is off the chain, dawg”  Truer words were never spoken as the 2012 Edition of the Tournament was proving to be the most unpredictable and exciting in the 112 year history of the event. From grizzled veterans, to renowned celebrities, to local phenoms, the event has been one cliffhanger after another.  So captivating has been the tournament that I got a call from Steven Spielberg yesterday who wanted to option the event for a movie.  Well, I’m pretty sure it was Spielberg. I didn’t actually pick up the call and he didn’t leave a message, but c’mon, this tournament has been so spectacular why wouldn’t he yearn to base a movie on it?  Anyway, I’m sure he’ll call back and if he doesn’t I’ll let Quentin Terantino do the movie cuz I know he’s gonna call.

But enough of my name-dropping Hollywood exploits, let’s see what happened in the Elite 8…

@jimsterne v. @frankreed: Frank made a Cinderella run in this year’s tournament but this time the clock struck 12 on this Marketing Pilgrim and his golden carriage turned into a pumpkin. So what went wrong? Well not much really, this is just a case of running into the Twitter Buzzsaw that is @JimSterne.  So what did Jim do that was so special? Let me summarize.

  1. He freakin’ brought Venn Diagrams to the party. This hasn’t been seen since the ’54 Twitter Madness Tourney and Jim’s retro strategy was well timed.
  2. He pointed out his shortcomings. This is the first time in the history of Twitter that this has ever been done and Jim showed true courage in being the trailblazer of this type of humility.Male Pattern Baldness Rocks!
  1. He’s bringing his case for Twitter supremacy to the source. And I suspect I can con him into paying for the coffee as well.

Winner: @JimSterne

 

@TheOnion v. @1918: In a true David vs. Goliath matchup, local upstart Phil Buckley (aka @1918) tried to stop the undeniable force of @TheOnion. First, some background. according to his website 1918.com his twitter handle and seemingly his whole existence is predicated around the Boston Red Sox, and in its incarnation his Suck it Bostonweb presence was to honor the year of that team’s last World Series Championship (1918).  A worthy tribute I suppose but I am going to be perfectly honest with you, I hate the Red Sox, in fact there’s not much I like about Boston except for Bobby Orr, chowder, and the band.  As far as the Red Sox go, I’ll never forgive them for poaching Pedro Martinez from my beloved Montreal Expos, which proved to be the final death nail in the downward spiral of the franchise.

But this isn’t about grudges right? So let me put away my well ingrained hatred for the city and baseball team I loathe the most and focus on the man himself, and his performance. I noticed that he secured a new gig which has to be attributed to his run in the Twitter Madness Tourney. I mean that’s the kind of power this event has…it catapults careers!  To his credit he put on another successful #SEOMeetUp here in Raleigh (in an Irish Pub no less) featuring a guy making mad cash doing a web show called Freezerburns which Phil deftly promoted on Twitter with great skill. On the downside I noticed that he referenced the term “awesome sauce” which deducted 2.74 point from his score.

Now, how about @TheOnion.  @TheOnion was Jon Stewart before Jon Stewart was Jon Stewart. If that kind of humor floats your boat than there’s no one better feed to follow than @TheOnion. But during the matchup with Phil, there just seemed to be something missing in the normal stellar Onion reporting. I can’t really put my finger on it but can’t help but think they were overlooking @1918.  In fact, I detected some subtle sarcasm pointed towards Phil in one of their tweets:

I heart @TheOnion

So the question is, how much equity do I allow @The Onion, who is consistently the go-to Twitter account for all the fake news that’s fit to print.  The answer: “none Goddammit”. This is the freakin’ @deanshaw Twitter Madness Tourney and you better show up ready to play when the bell sounds.  So as the Onion might say:

@deanshaw : A Legend in his own mind

Winner: @1918

 

@RudiShumpert v. @jowyang: A great matchup between the Sr. Director- Technology of Keystone Solutions  and Jeremiah “Don’t call me Jow Yang” Owyang, Industry Wonk to the stars at Altimeter Group.  Jeremiah came out of the gates strong with his mix of shared and original content.  This is where Jeremiah really excels.  Rather than just use Twitter as a glorified Mashable link feeder, he throws in some of his own content.  Imagine that, a guy creating his own content and not RTing the same shit that’s been RTed a bazillion times by everyone else.  He did make a huge mistake however when he Tweeted a link that was via him. What the fuck is up with that.  As anyone familiar with my list of 25 Tweet Types will tell you, this is a clear violation of Tweet Type 3, and actually might be a new strain of Tweet, the “I RT my own Tweets” Tweet.  With a Douchebag Scale Ranking of 8 this really hurt his score and could have been fatal.

Caution: Douchy Tweet Ahead!

As for Rudi, well he inexplicitly posted no tweets on the first day of the matchup.  Folks, let me be clear on something. When you get to the Elite 8 of the @deanshaw Twitter Madness Tourney and you don’t tweet on the first day of the matchup, you disrespect me. But you not only disrespect me, you also disrespect your country, the Corps, and your Mama.  Needless to say, that despite his faux pas Jeremiah was enough of a hare to beat Rudi’s tortoise to the finish line

Winner: @jowang

 

@kaimac v. @AndyBeal: So @kaimac said somethin’ about ‘Titantic’ and then @andybeal said somethin’ about ‘Cinderella’ and then @kaimac said somethin’ about ‘Brooklyn’ and then @andybeal said somethin’ about ‘tru dat’ and then @kaimac said somethin’ about ‘Irish beer’ and then @andybeal said somethin’ about ‘trakur’  and then @kaimac said somethin’ about ‘potatoes’ and then @andybeal said somethin’ about ‘being sexy and he knows it’ and then @kaimac said somethin’ about ‘Amazon closing at 7pm’ and then @andybeal said somethin’ about an ‘Android condom phone’ and then @kaimac said somethin’ about ‘US Soccer’ and then @andybeal said somethin’ about ‘ukeleles’ and then @kaimac said somethin’ about ‘WTF’ and then @andybeal said somethin’ about ‘lol’ and then @kaimac said somethin’ about ‘grrrr’ and then @andybeal said somethin’ about ‘OMG!’ and then @kaimac said somethin’ about ‘Pie’ and then @andybeal said….wait…what??? @kaimac said something about ‘Irish Beer’, ‘potatoes’ and ‘pie’????? Ladies and gentleman, what you have witnessed here is the first culinary trifecta in Twitter Madness history. And then @deanshaw said somethin’ about ‘Winner Winner Chicken Dinner!’

Winner: @kaimac

 

To the Winners – Welcome to the Final Four!

To the Losers – Well, no one likes a loser…scram!

To check out the brackets go to @deanshaw Twitter Madness 2012 Brackets
For more info on the tourney check out my 2012 Twitter Madness Tourney Page

@deanshaw 2012 Twitter Madness Tourney: Sweet 16 Edition

2012 Round Sweet 16 Wrap Up

And so it was the field in the @deanshaw Twitter Madness Tourney was narrowed to the Elite 8. So close was the competition that the results had to be run through the ‘Twitter Madness algorithm’ 17 times to ensure accuracy. The algorithm boasts an accuracy of 100%, 60% of the time which makes it as reliable a tool as the influence score on Klout.
2012 Round Sweet 16 Wrap Up
@spikejones v. @jimsterne: In what the media dubbed as the “Thrilla in Twitzilla”, two tweeters at the top of their game came together in this hotly anticipated 140 character match-up. Spike, last year’s Twitter Madness Tourney Champion and self-proclaimed Twitter curmudgeon brought with him an impressive 8 game winning streak and is the only undefeated participant in the history of the tourney. Jim Sterne, the Founder of eMetrics Marketing Optimization Summit and Web Analytics Association brought nothing with him. An easy victory for Spike right? Not so fast Sparky.

While Spike was once again strong with his usual witticism that has served him well the past two tournaments, Jim wrote what may be the greatest piece of web literature in the history of the written word. So powerful were his words that it brought tears to the likes of Chuck Norris, the Statue of David, and the Mona Lisa. It is rumored that he is being considered for a Nobel Peace Prize for Literature based on this post alone. I myself have not read this masterpiece but can only imagine it was inspired by someone of great significance, and thank God for that person, as it is rare that one reads great prose these days and the world needs more muses to inspire such great work. We bid a fond farewell to @spikejones and could only wish that his contribution to literature ‘Brains on Fire’ were as inspired as Jim’s post. For all I know it might be, but frankly, it seemed to have a lot of words in it and I’m more of a pictures guy.
Winner: @jimsterne

@chrisbrogan v. @frankreed: You gotta have some serious swagger to show up at a Twitter battle with @chrisbrogan with a few measly tweets. But that’s just what Frank did in the Sweet 16 matchup with Chris Brogan. Was Frank just being lazy or did he consciously decide to be the ying to Brogans verbose yang. Whatever it was Frank’s tact was brilliant, but not because of the quality or quantity of his tweeting, but rather because of what he didn’t tweet. That brings us to Mr. Brogan. The guy is undoubtedly a social media legend, but he committed two inexcusable errors during this crucial matchup. 1. He tweeted “True that” on 2 separate occasions. Listen folks, if you want to fit in with the cool kidz on Twitter you need to be down with the vernacular yo. And that vernacular knows that it’s “tru dat.” “True that” is what a middle-aged white guy would say…wait…what? Whaddya mean Chris is a middle-aged white guy?? Who knew? His second error was his persistent “Goodnight Moon.” I know the Moon, the Moon is a good friend of mine, and this good night stuff is starting to irritate the shit out of him. It’s also causing some workplace issues with the Sun who feels a tad bit slighted at not getting a “Good Morning Sun.” The lesson? Sometimes is not what you tweet, but rather, what you don’t tweet. Thank your lucky stars Frank, you slid by this time. As for Brogan, I think the kid has got a bright future ahead of him.
Winner: @frankreed

@TheOnion v. @badbanana: Wow! Two comedic titans battling it out on the field of Twittosity, but apparently only one showed up to the right field. I’m a big fan of @badbanana but his tweets were surprisingly lame and it’s a bad time to pull your funny hamstring. Then again, maybe he was just intimated but the awesomeness of @TheOnion who continues to be a formidable force. Either way the bad banana has got to split
Winner: @TheOnion

@1918 v. @HubSpot: In a stunning development, @1918 received the first ever Twitter Madness yellow card for a clear tournament violation. Twitter Madness Tourney Yellow CardThis violation was assessed after Phil posted tweets overtly campaigning for support in helping him win the @deanshaw Twitter Madness Tourney. I run a clean tournament here and that shit just ain’t gonna fly. This violation would have seemed to end Phil run in the competition and in fact @HubSpot provided its usual stream of great social media information and resources. But in an amazing twist, it was revealed on Klout that @1918 was influential about ‘Australian Feral Goats’ and it just so happens I was looking around for a bunch of those to keep my lawn trim this Summer. Since Klout is enormously astute in its algorithmic measurement of influence, I now have my go-to guy for goats and Phil gets a W
Winner: @1918

@RudiShumpert v. @jdharm: @RudiShumpert RT’d my Etch-A-Sketch tweet. He wins. #YouGotAProblemWithThat?
Winner: @RudiShumpert

@jowyang v. @adage: I was looking at Jeremiah’s Twitter avatar and it occurred to me that it looked like he was saying “@deanshaw is the freakin’ man”. I appreciate those apparent sentiments Jeremiah but it was your tweets about beer and Lynyrd Skynyrd that sealed the victory. Now what tweet is it y’all wanna hear? Freebird.
Winner: @jowang

@SethMacFarlane v. @kaimac: I’d like to say @kaimac won his matchup over @SethMacFarlane because of his brilliant tweeting ability. But in this case Seth’s lackluster performance in this matchup would have lost to my Uncle Barney and my Uncle Barney died in 2007.
Winner: @kaimac

@SocialMedia411 v. @AndyBeal: Andy Beal is many things, CEO of Trackur , Founder of Marketing Pilgrim, photographer, Taekwondo master, and ukulele player So basically, he’s the son my Mom wanted me to be, well all that except for the ukulele part – she said she’d beat my ass if I ever played that. Andy also finds time to tweet, and he did just enough of that to pull out an upset over the normally strong @SocialMedia411 who was unusually quiet in this matchup.
Winner: @andybeal

For the winners it’s on to the Elite 8. For the rest of you ham ‘n’ eggers, there’s always next year.

To check out the brackets go to @deanshaw Twitter Madness 2012 Brackets
For more info on the tourney check out my 2012 Twitter Madness Tourney Page

@deanshaw 2012 Twitter Madness Tourney: Round 2 Recap

With the field whittled down to 32, the competition in the @deanshaw Twitter Madness Tourney was hotter than the back of an iPad3. So focused were the competitors with the task at hand they were heard murmuring “I have no ideas what this is” and “Seriously, this is stupid”, and “I don’t give a rat’s ass”. That intensity led to some epic battles including the first tie in tournament history. Below is a summary of the results that captures in detail….oh screw it…its late and I just want to get this damn thing done with.

For the winners, see you in the Sweet Sixteen. For the Losers, well, you lost. Scram.

1st Round Summary
@deanshaw Twitter Madness Tourney: Round 2

@BorowitzReport v. @spikejones: In the most anticipated battle of the 2nd round, defending Twitter Madness Champ Spike took on the wise-cracking Andy Borowitz. Borowitz took an early lead and seemed to have victory in hand with gems like “In Possible Gaffe, Romney Says Poor People ‘Taste Like Chicken’”, but like a true champion Spike score late with a hail Mary tweet that included “poop”. When the dust settled, the two ended is a statistical tie, the first in Twitter Madness history. The tie breaker in these instances is, of course, “Who has the skinniest tie?” That deciding factor went to Spike whose tie is so skinny its almost negative in width.
Winner: @spikejones

@jimsterne v. @JustinKownacki: JKow sometimes suffers from being too intelligent and cultured for Twitter. As an example he used “cinematography” in one of his tweets. I’m not quite sure what that means but I am pretty sure that kind of language is frowned upon on Twitter. Conversely, Jim uses words like “T-shirt”, and “thing”, and “Oooo!” and I am definitely down with that
Winner: @jimsterne

@chrisbrogan v. @awarenessinc: Awareness Inc was going toe to toe with the social media swami when they choked and tweeted this “Our Pinterest influencer score is 23 on PinReach. What’s yours? Pinterest Influencer score? Pinterest Influencer score???? I’ll tell you what my “Pinterest Influencer Score is… it’s “You Lose”
Winner: @chrisbrogan

@frankreed v. @mollybuckley: In case you didn’t know Frank is the Managing Editor of Marketing Pilgrim and he be dropping dope marketing knowledge on yo ass daily. Molly is a funny chick with a blog that now focuses on a bunch of girl shit like ‘cinnamon & brown sugar breakfast muffins’. Sadly, I’m more of a raspberry pop-tart guy.
Winner: @frankreed

@TheOnion v. @glenngabe: “NHL Reluctantly Signs Deal With Hockey To Continue As Their Sport Through 2016.” I mean, c’mon. How are you going to compete with shit like that?
Winner: @TheOnion

@badbanana v. @erictpeterson: The Banana dropped a mere 3 tweets during this match and they were far below his normal high quality witty observations. Eric, however, spent most of his time, like, “engaging” with people. That may be Twitter best practices, but in a tournament this big it’s boring as shit
Winner: @badbanana

@thesulk v. @1918: I didn’t have time to really look at this match as @1918 tweeted this and totally distracted me for 6 hours. So I guess he won, I dunno.
Winner: @1918

@HubSpot v. @HelenASPopkin: Wanna be the next @chrisbrogan? Spend the next 2 weeks soaking up the knowledge at HubSpot. Oh, and then go get some clients.
Winner: @HubSpot

@SteveMartinToGo v. @RudiShumpert: In a mind-bogglingly stunning upset Rudi beat out Steve Martin….yes, ‘that’ Steve Martin. Unfortunately this speaks more to the fact that Steve didn’t tweet once during the match-up, moreso than Rudi’s twitter acumen.
Winner: @RudiShumpert

@jdharm v. @leeodden: I can’t explain it but I think the marble-mouth beat Lee Odden.
Winner: @jdharm

@jowyang v. @JudahWorldChampion: How do you beat the World Champion? You don’t. He decides if he’ll let you win. This time around Judah was too busy beating up local Bigfoots to tweet. We’re safer for that but at the sacrifice of the World Champion losing in this second round matchup
Winner: @jowyang

@adage v. @covati: Ad Age brought it steady-eddie stream of Madison Avenue mischief. Adam Covati brought….1 tweet?…1 tweet??????? He was probably too busy killing it at Argyle Social
Winner: @adage

@SethMacFarlane v. @gemsie: A particularly weak battle. Both combatants appear uninspired during the matchup which is amazing to me given the prize at stake here. Edge goes to Seth for tweeting a pic that confirms my belief that cats are soldiers of Satan.
Winner: @SethMacFarlane

@avinash v. @kaimac: Avinash is the embodiment of intelligence, engagement, grace, and encouragement. Kaimac is…ummm…well….errr….he looks for any opportunity to point out my obvious flaws.
Winner: @kaimac

@mediatwo v. @SocialMedia411: @mediatwo drew a tough second round matchup as the 411 continued to deliver a steady, but not overwhelming stream of great social media content that’s just off the beaten path.
Winner: @SocialMedia411

@SteveNash v. @andybeal: Poor Steve must be busy paying basketball or something as he appeared to foul out on his tweeting during his matchup with the feisty Brit. Nonetheless the uke slingin’ renaissance man left nothing to chance as he kept his pedal to the metal with a steady stream of Twitter awesomeness.
Winner: @andybeal

To check out the brackets go to @deanshaw Twitter Madness 2012 Brackets
For more info on the tourney check out my 2012 Twitter Madness Tourney Page

@deanshaw 2012 Twitter Madness Tourney: Round 1 Wrap-Up

So the 1st round of the @deanshaw 2012 Twitter Madness Tourney is in the books and along with some expected outcomes we had some wild upsets and close calls. The 2nd round should be a real thriller as the competition heats up and the tweets become more critical.
It’s the second round people! Let’s get it on!

1st Round Summary
Twitter Madness Tourney Round 1 Wrap-Up
@BorowitzReport v. @SquareJawMedia: Like Lehigh University, this was just a tough matchup for SquareJaw and I am a sucker for snarky political humor. Wait…what??? Lehigh beat Duke????????
Winner: @BorowitzReport

@iamJeffCohen v. @spikejones: If you’re gonna beat defending champion @spikejones you’re gonna have to bring more than a few tweets about Mountain Dew.
Winner: @spikejones

@MarkRaganCEO v. @jimsterne: In the first upset of the tourney @jimsterne brings down the heavily favored PR man. Mark Ragan brings a shitload of info to your twitterstream but he violates so many of my twitter douchebaggery rules I cannot in good conscious advance him to the next round. Jim also questioned my intelligence on a blog post I wrote showing a savvy recognition of my idiocy.
Winner: @jimsterne

@DRUNKHULK v. @JustinKownacki: What a barnburner! Justin was cruising along hitting singles & doubles when out of nowhere hit a homerun with a brilliant George Clooney tweet. But in a squeaker JKow pulls out a narrow victory.
Winner: @JustinKownacki

@chrisbrogan v. @overdrv: Perhaps still stinging from his first round upset from last year Brogan narrowly beats out Overdrv who unfortunately spent much of their matchup obsessing over some chick named Jane Mass. Ya, I don’t know who she is either.
Winner: @chrisbrogan

@danzarella v. @awarenessinc: The social media scientist must have got lost on his way to the tourney posting only one tweet during the matchup. That was enough to hand the victory to Awareness.
Winner: @awarenessinc

@GSElevator v. @frankreed: Yet another bracket busting upset. Despite the Goldman Sachs news this week and the treasure trove of potential material, the elevator went down on GSElevator and Frank took advantage.
Winner: @frankreed

@mollybuckley v. @Cole_Watts: Cole Watts bracket looks waaaay better than mine at this point. He’s gotta go. #NotThatImPettyOrAnything
Winner: @mollybuckley

@TheOnion v. @carlsonjill: C’mon, it’s The Onion.
Winner: @TheOnion

@stevehall v. @glenngabe: Perhaps sensing he was up against last year’s tourney finalist, Glenn brought his A-game and overwhelmed Steve
Winner: @glenngabe

@badbanana v. @zachward: Two comedic geniuses go head to head, but while Zach was ‘hustling’ the badbanana was dropping dope tweets.
Winner: @badbanana

@dmscott v. @erictpeterson: Not only is there an “I” in David Meerman Scott but there’s also a ‘me”. Eric Peterson wins by an egomania DQ.
Winner: @erictpeterson

@thesulk v. @digitalalex: This was a battle of two people who really don’t seem to have the passion to win the Twitter Madness Tourney. Hard to figure that.
Winner: @thesulk

@1918 v. @cnmoody: Buckley whipped Moody. “That’s what she said”
Winner: @1918

@HubSpot v. @morgansiem: Morgan is tha shit but you need more than that to stop the Hubspot train.
Winner: @HubSpot

@radian6 v. @HelenASPopkin: Radian6 mostly that blah blah blah engagement stuff. Helen brought some flava to the party.
Winner: @HelenASPopkin

@iamJeffCohen v. @spikejones: If you’re gonna beat defending champion @spikejones you’re gonna have to bring more than a few tweets about Mountain Dew.
Winner: @spikejones

@SteveMartinToGo v. @coreyspencer: Ya can’t win if ya don’t tweet.
Winner: @SteveMartinToGo

@ShannonPaul v. @RudiShumpert: “if you are on opposite sides of the street you can WAVE to each other.” ‘nuf said.
Winner: @RudiShumpert

@jdharm v. @johnlovett: I thought the web analytics wonder man could handle the marbly-mouthed Stern staffer but he came up short this time.
Winner: @jdharm

@leeodden v. @DavidBThomas: My buddy Dave musta been all tuckered out from SXSW as he was unusually silent in the first round.
Winner: @leeodden

@jowyang v. @CoreyCreed: Two underwhelming performances from two heavyweight Twitter titans. Edge Owyang
Winner: @jowyang

@JudahWorldChampion v. @dearblankplease: Why do you thing he’s the world champion?
Winner: @JudahWorldChampion

@adage v. @JayDolan: Jay Dolan is getting healthy which only reminds me that I eat horribly and I’m in lousy shape. I gotta get rid of this kid
Winner: @adage

@Humblebrag v. @covati: Wow! A stunner! One of my favorite tweeters is humble and doesn’t brag. Adam Covati catches a huge break and advances to the next round!
Winner: @covati

@SethMacFarlane v. @FYeahAnalytics: A first time Twitter Madness Tourney participant and FYeah showed his rookie jitters against a comedy titan.
Winner: @SethMacFarlane

@jtobin v. @gemsie: I can only assume Jim was too much of a gentleman to beat a lady in the tourney.
Winner: @gemsie

@avinash v. @OMLee: Avinash said something about bacon.
Winner: @avinash

@kaimac v. @mktgdouchebag: The douchebag made a deep run into the tourney last year but must have pulled a hammy in his twitter finger as he was largely quiet during this matchup. Tough break for the big fella and fortuitous luck for the mick..
Winner: @kaimac

@KimJongNumberUn v. @mediatwo: That tubby little dictator kid is funny but just like his critics in North Korea, I don’t think he has the legs for this tourney
Winner: @mediatwo

@Exxx v. @SocialMedia411: I love potato-eating fairies that have pornish sounding twitter handles as much as the next guy, but The 411 is just that good.
Winner: @SocialMedia411

@SteveNash v. @lyndseo: In the battle of the Canucks (I didn’t know they had running water up there, let alone twitter) my girl and fellow Winnipegger came up short (get it? short? basketball player?) against the only decent b-ball player Canada has ever produced. Legend had it he got lost on the way to hockey practice when he was a kid and ended up at a gym.
Winner: @SteveNash

@AndyBeal v. @GinneySkal: Still bitter from his early exit at last year’s tourney, the uke playin’, karate choppin’, Hawaii visitin’, photo takin’, reputation managin’ titan is back in form and ready to rock this year.
Winner: @AndyBeal

To check out the brackets go to http://challonge.com/twittermadness2012
For more info on the tourney check out my 2012 Twitter Madness Tourney Page

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