@deanshaw 2012 Twitter Madness Tourney: Elite 8 Edition
2012 Twitter Madness Tourney: Elite 8 Wrap Up
I believe it was Walt Whitman who said “Damn, the @deanshaw Twitter Madness Tourney is off the chain, dawg” Truer words were never spoken as the 2012 Edition of the Tournament was proving to be the most unpredictable and exciting in the 112 year history of the event. From grizzled veterans, to renowned celebrities, to local phenoms, the event has been one cliffhanger after another. So captivating has been the tournament that I got a call from Steven Spielberg yesterday who wanted to option the event for a movie. Well, I’m pretty sure it was Spielberg. I didn’t actually pick up the call and he didn’t leave a message, but c’mon, this tournament has been so spectacular why wouldn’t he yearn to base a movie on it? Anyway, I’m sure he’ll call back and if he doesn’t I’ll let Quentin Terantino do the movie cuz I know he’s gonna call.
But enough of my name-dropping Hollywood exploits, let’s see what happened in the Elite 8…
@jimsterne v. @frankreed: Frank made a Cinderella run in this year’s tournament but this time the clock struck 12 on this Marketing Pilgrim and his golden carriage turned into a pumpkin. So what went wrong? Well not much really, this is just a case of running into the Twitter Buzzsaw that is @JimSterne. So what did Jim do that was so special? Let me summarize.
- He freakin’ brought Venn Diagrams to the party. This hasn’t been seen since the ’54 Twitter Madness Tourney and Jim’s retro strategy was well timed.
- He pointed out his shortcomings. This is the first time in the history of Twitter that this has ever been done and Jim showed true courage in being the trailblazer of this type of humility.
- He’s bringing his case for Twitter supremacy to the source. And I suspect I can con him into paying for the coffee as well.
Winner: @JimSterne
@TheOnion v. @1918: In a true David vs. Goliath matchup, local upstart Phil Buckley (aka @1918) tried to stop the undeniable force of @TheOnion. First, some background. according to his website 1918.com his twitter handle and seemingly his whole existence is predicated around the Boston Red Sox, and in its incarnation his 
web presence was to honor the year of that team’s last World Series Championship (1918). A worthy tribute I suppose but I am going to be perfectly honest with you, I hate the Red Sox, in fact there’s not much I like about Boston except for Bobby Orr, chowder, and the band. As far as the Red Sox go, I’ll never forgive them for poaching Pedro Martinez from my beloved Montreal Expos, which proved to be the final death nail in the downward spiral of the franchise.
But this isn’t about grudges right? So let me put away my well ingrained hatred for the city and baseball team I loathe the most and focus on the man himself, and his performance. I noticed that he secured a new gig which has to be attributed to his run in the Twitter Madness Tourney. I mean that’s the kind of power this event has…it catapults careers! To his credit he put on another successful #SEOMeetUp here in Raleigh (in an Irish Pub no less) featuring a guy making mad cash doing a web show called Freezerburns which Phil deftly promoted on Twitter with great skill. On the downside I noticed that he referenced the term “awesome sauce” which deducted 2.74 point from his score.
Now, how about @TheOnion. @TheOnion was Jon Stewart before Jon Stewart was Jon Stewart. If that kind of humor floats your boat than there’s no one better feed to follow than @TheOnion. But during the matchup with Phil, there just seemed to be something missing in the normal stellar Onion reporting. I can’t really put my finger on it but can’t help but think they were overlooking @1918. In fact, I detected some subtle sarcasm pointed towards Phil in one of their tweets:
So the question is, how much equity do I allow @The Onion, who is consistently the go-to Twitter account for all the fake news that’s fit to print. The answer: “none Goddammit”. This is the freakin’ @deanshaw Twitter Madness Tourney and you better show up ready to play when the bell sounds. So as the Onion might say:
Winner: @1918
@RudiShumpert v. @jowyang: A great matchup between the Sr. Director- Technology of Keystone Solutions and Jeremiah “Don’t call me Jow Yang” Owyang, Industry Wonk to the stars at Altimeter Group. Jeremiah came out of the gates strong with his mix of shared and original content. This is where Jeremiah really excels. Rather than just use Twitter as a glorified Mashable link feeder, he throws in some of his own content. Imagine that, a guy creating his own content and not RTing the same shit that’s been RTed a bazillion times by everyone else. He did make a huge mistake however when he Tweeted a link that was via him. What the fuck is up with that. As anyone familiar with my list of 25 Tweet Types will tell you, this is a clear violation of Tweet Type 3, and actually might be a new strain of Tweet, the “I RT my own Tweets” Tweet. With a Douchebag Scale Ranking of 8 this really hurt his score and could have been fatal.
As for Rudi, well he inexplicitly posted no tweets on the first day of the matchup. Folks, let me be clear on something. When you get to the Elite 8 of the @deanshaw Twitter Madness Tourney and you don’t tweet on the first day of the matchup, you disrespect me. But you not only disrespect me, you also disrespect your country, the Corps, and your Mama. Needless to say, that despite his faux pas Jeremiah was enough of a hare to beat Rudi’s tortoise to the finish line
Winner: @jowang
@kaimac v. @AndyBeal: So @kaimac said somethin’ about ‘Titantic’ and then @andybeal said somethin’ about ‘Cinderella’ and then @kaimac said somethin’ about ‘Brooklyn’ and then @andybeal said somethin’ about ‘tru dat’ and then @kaimac said somethin’ about ‘Irish beer’ and then @andybeal said somethin’ about ‘trakur’ and then @kaimac said somethin’ about ‘potatoes’ and then @andybeal said somethin’ about ‘being sexy and he knows it’ and then @kaimac said somethin’ about ‘Amazon closing at 7pm’ and then @andybeal said somethin’ about an ‘Android condom phone’ and then @kaimac said somethin’ about ‘US Soccer’ and then @andybeal said somethin’ about ‘ukeleles’ and then @kaimac said somethin’ about ‘WTF’ and then @andybeal said somethin’ about ‘lol’ and then @kaimac said somethin’ about ‘grrrr’ and then @andybeal said somethin’ about ‘OMG!’ and then @kaimac said somethin’ about ‘Pie’ and then @andybeal said….wait…what??? @kaimac said something about ‘Irish Beer’, ‘potatoes’ and ‘pie’????? Ladies and gentleman, what you have witnessed here is the first culinary trifecta in Twitter Madness history. And then @deanshaw said somethin’ about ‘Winner Winner Chicken Dinner!’
Winner: @kaimac
To the Winners – Welcome to the Final Four!
To the Losers – Well, no one likes a loser…scram!
To check out the brackets go to @deanshaw Twitter Madness 2012 Brackets
For more info on the tourney check out my 2012 Twitter Madness Tourney Page
@deanshaw 2012 Twitter Madness Tourney: Sweet 16 Edition
2012 Round Sweet 16 Wrap Up
And so it was the field in the @deanshaw Twitter Madness Tourney was narrowed to the Elite 8. So close was the competition that the results had to be run through the ‘Twitter Madness algorithm’ 17 times to ensure accuracy. The algorithm boasts an accuracy of 100%, 60% of the time which makes it as reliable a tool as the influence score on Klout.
@spikejones v. @jimsterne: In what the media dubbed as the “Thrilla in Twitzilla”, two tweeters at the top of their game came together in this hotly anticipated 140 character match-up. Spike, last year’s Twitter Madness Tourney Champion and self-proclaimed Twitter curmudgeon brought with him an impressive 8 game winning streak and is the only undefeated participant in the history of the tourney. Jim Sterne, the Founder of eMetrics Marketing Optimization Summit and Web Analytics Association brought nothing with him. An easy victory for Spike right? Not so fast Sparky.
While Spike was once again strong with his usual witticism that has served him well the past two tournaments, Jim wrote what may be the greatest piece of web literature in the history of the written word. So powerful were his words that it brought tears to the likes of Chuck Norris, the Statue of David, and the Mona Lisa. It is rumored that he is being considered for a Nobel Peace Prize for Literature based on this post alone. I myself have not read this masterpiece but can only imagine it was inspired by someone of great significance, and thank God for that person, as it is rare that one reads great prose these days and the world needs more muses to inspire such great work. We bid a fond farewell to @spikejones and could only wish that his contribution to literature ‘Brains on Fire’ were as inspired as Jim’s post. For all I know it might be, but frankly, it seemed to have a lot of words in it and I’m more of a pictures guy.
Winner: @jimsterne
@chrisbrogan v. @frankreed: You gotta have some serious swagger to show up at a Twitter battle with @chrisbrogan with a few measly tweets. But that’s just what Frank did in the Sweet 16 matchup with Chris Brogan. Was Frank just being lazy or did he consciously decide to be the ying to Brogans verbose yang. Whatever it was Frank’s tact was brilliant, but not because of the quality or quantity of his tweeting, but rather because of what he didn’t tweet. That brings us to Mr. Brogan. The guy is undoubtedly a social media legend, but he committed two inexcusable errors during this crucial matchup. 1. He tweeted “True that” on 2 separate occasions. Listen folks, if you want to fit in with the cool kidz on Twitter you need to be down with the vernacular yo. And that vernacular knows that it’s “tru dat.” “True that” is what a middle-aged white guy would say…wait…what? Whaddya mean Chris is a middle-aged white guy?? Who knew? His second error was his persistent “Goodnight Moon.” I know the Moon, the Moon is a good friend of mine, and this good night stuff is starting to irritate the shit out of him. It’s also causing some workplace issues with the Sun who feels a tad bit slighted at not getting a “Good Morning Sun.” The lesson? Sometimes is not what you tweet, but rather, what you don’t tweet. Thank your lucky stars Frank, you slid by this time. As for Brogan, I think the kid has got a bright future ahead of him.
Winner: @frankreed
@TheOnion v. @badbanana: Wow! Two comedic titans battling it out on the field of Twittosity, but apparently only one showed up to the right field. I’m a big fan of @badbanana but his tweets were surprisingly lame and it’s a bad time to pull your funny hamstring. Then again, maybe he was just intimated but the awesomeness of @TheOnion who continues to be a formidable force. Either way the bad banana has got to split
Winner: @TheOnion
@1918 v. @HubSpot: In a stunning development, @1918 received the first ever Twitter Madness yellow card for a clear tournament violation. 
This violation was assessed after Phil posted tweets overtly campaigning for support in helping him win the @deanshaw Twitter Madness Tourney. I run a clean tournament here and that shit just ain’t gonna fly. This violation would have seemed to end Phil run in the competition and in fact @HubSpot provided its usual stream of great social media information and resources. But in an amazing twist, it was revealed on Klout that @1918 was influential about ‘Australian Feral Goats’ and it just so happens I was looking around for a bunch of those to keep my lawn trim this Summer. Since Klout is enormously astute in its algorithmic measurement of influence, I now have my go-to guy for goats and Phil gets a W
Winner: @1918
@RudiShumpert v. @jdharm: @RudiShumpert RT’d my Etch-A-Sketch tweet. He wins. #YouGotAProblemWithThat?
Winner: @RudiShumpert
@jowyang v. @adage: I was looking at Jeremiah’s Twitter avatar and it occurred to me that it looked like he was saying “@deanshaw is the freakin’ man”. I appreciate those apparent sentiments Jeremiah but it was your tweets about beer and Lynyrd Skynyrd that sealed the victory. Now what tweet is it y’all wanna hear? Freebird.
Winner: @jowang
@SethMacFarlane v. @kaimac: I’d like to say @kaimac won his matchup over @SethMacFarlane because of his brilliant tweeting ability. But in this case Seth’s lackluster performance in this matchup would have lost to my Uncle Barney and my Uncle Barney died in 2007.
Winner: @kaimac
@SocialMedia411 v. @AndyBeal: Andy Beal is many things, CEO of Trackur , Founder of Marketing Pilgrim, photographer, Taekwondo master, and ukulele player So basically, he’s the son my Mom wanted me to be, well all that except for the ukulele part – she said she’d beat my ass if I ever played that. Andy also finds time to tweet, and he did just enough of that to pull out an upset over the normally strong @SocialMedia411 who was unusually quiet in this matchup.
Winner: @andybeal
For the winners it’s on to the Elite 8. For the rest of you ham ‘n’ eggers, there’s always next year.
To check out the brackets go to @deanshaw Twitter Madness 2012 Brackets
For more info on the tourney check out my 2012 Twitter Madness Tourney Page
@deanshaw 2012 Twitter Madness Tourney: Round 2 Recap
With the field whittled down to 32, the competition in the @deanshaw Twitter Madness Tourney was hotter than the back of an iPad3. So focused were the competitors with the task at hand they were heard murmuring “I have no ideas what this is” and “Seriously, this is stupid”, and “I don’t give a rat’s ass”. That intensity led to some epic battles including the first tie in tournament history. Below is a summary of the results that captures in detail….oh screw it…its late and I just want to get this damn thing done with.
For the winners, see you in the Sweet Sixteen. For the Losers, well, you lost. Scram.
1st Round Summary
@BorowitzReport v. @spikejones: In the most anticipated battle of the 2nd round, defending Twitter Madness Champ Spike took on the wise-cracking Andy Borowitz. Borowitz took an early lead and seemed to have victory in hand with gems like “In Possible Gaffe, Romney Says Poor People ‘Taste Like Chicken’”, but like a true champion Spike score late with a hail Mary tweet that included “poop”. When the dust settled, the two ended is a statistical tie, the first in Twitter Madness history. The tie breaker in these instances is, of course, “Who has the skinniest tie?” That deciding factor went to Spike whose tie is so skinny its almost negative in width.
Winner: @spikejones
@jimsterne v. @JustinKownacki: JKow sometimes suffers from being too intelligent and cultured for Twitter. As an example he used “cinematography” in one of his tweets. I’m not quite sure what that means but I am pretty sure that kind of language is frowned upon on Twitter. Conversely, Jim uses words like “T-shirt”, and “thing”, and “Oooo!” and I am definitely down with that
Winner: @jimsterne
@chrisbrogan v. @awarenessinc: Awareness Inc was going toe to toe with the social media swami when they choked and tweeted this “Our Pinterest influencer score is 23 on PinReach. What’s yours? Pinterest Influencer score? Pinterest Influencer score???? I’ll tell you what my “Pinterest Influencer Score is… it’s “You Lose”
Winner: @chrisbrogan
@frankreed v. @mollybuckley: In case you didn’t know Frank is the Managing Editor of Marketing Pilgrim and he be dropping dope marketing knowledge on yo ass daily. Molly is a funny chick with a blog that now focuses on a bunch of girl shit like ‘cinnamon & brown sugar breakfast muffins’. Sadly, I’m more of a raspberry pop-tart guy.
Winner: @frankreed
@TheOnion v. @glenngabe: “NHL Reluctantly Signs Deal With Hockey To Continue As Their Sport Through 2016.” I mean, c’mon. How are you going to compete with shit like that?
Winner: @TheOnion
@badbanana v. @erictpeterson: The Banana dropped a mere 3 tweets during this match and they were far below his normal high quality witty observations. Eric, however, spent most of his time, like, “engaging” with people. That may be Twitter best practices, but in a tournament this big it’s boring as shit
Winner: @badbanana
@thesulk v. @1918: I didn’t have time to really look at this match as @1918 tweeted this and totally distracted me for 6 hours. So I guess he won, I dunno.
Winner: @1918
@HubSpot v. @HelenASPopkin: Wanna be the next @chrisbrogan? Spend the next 2 weeks soaking up the knowledge at HubSpot. Oh, and then go get some clients.
Winner: @HubSpot
@SteveMartinToGo v. @RudiShumpert: In a mind-bogglingly stunning upset Rudi beat out Steve Martin….yes, ‘that’ Steve Martin. Unfortunately this speaks more to the fact that Steve didn’t tweet once during the match-up, moreso than Rudi’s twitter acumen.
Winner: @RudiShumpert
@jdharm v. @leeodden: I can’t explain it but I think the marble-mouth beat Lee Odden.
Winner: @jdharm
@jowyang v. @JudahWorldChampion: How do you beat the World Champion? You don’t. He decides if he’ll let you win. This time around Judah was too busy beating up local Bigfoots to tweet. We’re safer for that but at the sacrifice of the World Champion losing in this second round matchup
Winner: @jowyang
@adage v. @covati: Ad Age brought it steady-eddie stream of Madison Avenue mischief. Adam Covati brought….1 tweet?…1 tweet??????? He was probably too busy killing it at Argyle Social
Winner: @adage
@SethMacFarlane v. @gemsie: A particularly weak battle. Both combatants appear uninspired during the matchup which is amazing to me given the prize at stake here. Edge goes to Seth for tweeting a pic that confirms my belief that cats are soldiers of Satan.
Winner: @SethMacFarlane
@avinash v. @kaimac: Avinash is the embodiment of intelligence, engagement, grace, and encouragement. Kaimac is…ummm…well….errr….he looks for any opportunity to point out my obvious flaws.
Winner: @kaimac
@mediatwo v. @SocialMedia411: @mediatwo drew a tough second round matchup as the 411 continued to deliver a steady, but not overwhelming stream of great social media content that’s just off the beaten path.
Winner: @SocialMedia411
@SteveNash v. @andybeal: Poor Steve must be busy paying basketball or something as he appeared to foul out on his tweeting during his matchup with the feisty Brit. Nonetheless the uke slingin’ renaissance man left nothing to chance as he kept his pedal to the metal with a steady stream of Twitter awesomeness.
Winner: @andybeal
To check out the brackets go to @deanshaw Twitter Madness 2012 Brackets
For more info on the tourney check out my 2012 Twitter Madness Tourney Page
@deanshaw 2012 Twitter Madness Tourney: Round 1 Wrap-Up
So the 1st round of the @deanshaw 2012 Twitter Madness Tourney is in the books and along with some expected outcomes we had some wild upsets and close calls. The 2nd round should be a real thriller as the competition heats up and the tweets become more critical.
It’s the second round people! Let’s get it on!
1st Round Summary
@BorowitzReport v. @SquareJawMedia: Like Lehigh University, this was just a tough matchup for SquareJaw and I am a sucker for snarky political humor. Wait…what??? Lehigh beat Duke????????
Winner: @BorowitzReport
@iamJeffCohen v. @spikejones: If you’re gonna beat defending champion @spikejones you’re gonna have to bring more than a few tweets about Mountain Dew.
Winner: @spikejones
@MarkRaganCEO v. @jimsterne: In the first upset of the tourney @jimsterne brings down the heavily favored PR man. Mark Ragan brings a shitload of info to your twitterstream but he violates so many of my twitter douchebaggery rules I cannot in good conscious advance him to the next round. Jim also questioned my intelligence on a blog post I wrote showing a savvy recognition of my idiocy.
Winner: @jimsterne
@DRUNKHULK v. @JustinKownacki: What a barnburner! Justin was cruising along hitting singles & doubles when out of nowhere hit a homerun with a brilliant George Clooney tweet. But in a squeaker JKow pulls out a narrow victory.
Winner: @JustinKownacki
@chrisbrogan v. @overdrv: Perhaps still stinging from his first round upset from last year Brogan narrowly beats out Overdrv who unfortunately spent much of their matchup obsessing over some chick named Jane Mass. Ya, I don’t know who she is either.
Winner: @chrisbrogan
@danzarella v. @awarenessinc: The social media scientist must have got lost on his way to the tourney posting only one tweet during the matchup. That was enough to hand the victory to Awareness.
Winner: @awarenessinc
@GSElevator v. @frankreed: Yet another bracket busting upset. Despite the Goldman Sachs news this week and the treasure trove of potential material, the elevator went down on GSElevator and Frank took advantage.
Winner: @frankreed
@mollybuckley v. @Cole_Watts: Cole Watts bracket looks waaaay better than mine at this point. He’s gotta go. #NotThatImPettyOrAnything
Winner: @mollybuckley
@TheOnion v. @carlsonjill: C’mon, it’s The Onion.
Winner: @TheOnion
@stevehall v. @glenngabe: Perhaps sensing he was up against last year’s tourney finalist, Glenn brought his A-game and overwhelmed Steve
Winner: @glenngabe
@badbanana v. @zachward: Two comedic geniuses go head to head, but while Zach was ‘hustling’ the badbanana was dropping dope tweets.
Winner: @badbanana
@dmscott v. @erictpeterson: Not only is there an “I” in David Meerman Scott but there’s also a ‘me”. Eric Peterson wins by an egomania DQ.
Winner: @erictpeterson
@thesulk v. @digitalalex: This was a battle of two people who really don’t seem to have the passion to win the Twitter Madness Tourney. Hard to figure that.
Winner: @thesulk
@1918 v. @cnmoody: Buckley whipped Moody. “That’s what she said”
Winner: @1918
@HubSpot v. @morgansiem: Morgan is tha shit but you need more than that to stop the Hubspot train.
Winner: @HubSpot
@radian6 v. @HelenASPopkin: Radian6 mostly that blah blah blah engagement stuff. Helen brought some flava to the party.
Winner: @HelenASPopkin
@iamJeffCohen v. @spikejones: If you’re gonna beat defending champion @spikejones you’re gonna have to bring more than a few tweets about Mountain Dew.
Winner: @spikejones
@SteveMartinToGo v. @coreyspencer: Ya can’t win if ya don’t tweet.
Winner: @SteveMartinToGo
@ShannonPaul v. @RudiShumpert: “if you are on opposite sides of the street you can WAVE to each other.” ‘nuf said.
Winner: @RudiShumpert
@jdharm v. @johnlovett: I thought the web analytics wonder man could handle the marbly-mouthed Stern staffer but he came up short this time.
Winner: @jdharm
@leeodden v. @DavidBThomas: My buddy Dave musta been all tuckered out from SXSW as he was unusually silent in the first round.
Winner: @leeodden
@jowyang v. @CoreyCreed: Two underwhelming performances from two heavyweight Twitter titans. Edge Owyang
Winner: @jowyang
@JudahWorldChampion v. @dearblankplease: Why do you thing he’s the world champion?
Winner: @JudahWorldChampion
@adage v. @JayDolan: Jay Dolan is getting healthy which only reminds me that I eat horribly and I’m in lousy shape. I gotta get rid of this kid
Winner: @adage
@Humblebrag v. @covati: Wow! A stunner! One of my favorite tweeters is humble and doesn’t brag. Adam Covati catches a huge break and advances to the next round!
Winner: @covati
@SethMacFarlane v. @FYeahAnalytics: A first time Twitter Madness Tourney participant and FYeah showed his rookie jitters against a comedy titan.
Winner: @SethMacFarlane
@jtobin v. @gemsie: I can only assume Jim was too much of a gentleman to beat a lady in the tourney.
Winner: @gemsie
@avinash v. @OMLee: Avinash said something about bacon.
Winner: @avinash
@kaimac v. @mktgdouchebag: The douchebag made a deep run into the tourney last year but must have pulled a hammy in his twitter finger as he was largely quiet during this matchup. Tough break for the big fella and fortuitous luck for the mick..
Winner: @kaimac
@KimJongNumberUn v. @mediatwo: That tubby little dictator kid is funny but just like his critics in North Korea, I don’t think he has the legs for this tourney
Winner: @mediatwo
@Exxx v. @SocialMedia411: I love potato-eating fairies that have pornish sounding twitter handles as much as the next guy, but The 411 is just that good.
Winner: @SocialMedia411
@SteveNash v. @lyndseo: In the battle of the Canucks (I didn’t know they had running water up there, let alone twitter) my girl and fellow Winnipegger came up short (get it? short? basketball player?) against the only decent b-ball player Canada has ever produced. Legend had it he got lost on the way to hockey practice when he was a kid and ended up at a gym.
Winner: @SteveNash
@AndyBeal v. @GinneySkal: Still bitter from his early exit at last year’s tourney, the uke playin’, karate choppin’, Hawaii visitin’, photo takin’, reputation managin’ titan is back in form and ready to rock this year.
Winner: @AndyBeal
To check out the brackets go to http://challonge.com/twittermadness2012
For more info on the tourney check out my 2012 Twitter Madness Tourney Page
The Official Cheat Sheet of the Top Social Networks’ Privacy Policies
“They trust me — dumb fucks” – Mark Zuckerberg, CEO Facebook
Online privacy is becoming a huge issue these days and the emergence of social networks has only put a spotlight on just how much companies know about our online activities . What’s just as disturbing is the cavalier attitude taken by those very companies collecting your personal data. It would seem that privacy is truly becoming a thing of the past and that we’re slowly being put at the mercy of organizations whose goals are not to protect privacy as much as they are to monetize it.
“If you have something that you don’t want anyone to know, maybe you shouldn’t be doing it in the first place.” – Eric Schmidt, CEO Google
So how does one even begin to understand what data is being collected and what’s being done with it? I suppose you could read through the privacy policies of the solutions you use online, but lets face it, no one has ever done that ever in the history of man. In fact, Carnegie Mellon recently published a study that found if you read every privacy policy on every website you encounter throughout the year, it would take you 76 work days to complete the task. Who’s got time for that shit when your trying to post pictures of your cat on Facebook? I’ll tell ya who…I do.
“all these concerns about privacy tend to be old people issues” – Reid Hoffman, LinkedIn Founder
So never fear! As a service to you, my loyal readers, I have taken it upon myself to read through the privacy policies of the most popular social networks and summarized them below in an easy to understand chart. Your welcome!
Social Media; Influence, Engagement and the Elusive ROI
‘It’s funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they’ll do practically anything you want them to’. ~ Holden Caulfield, The Catcher in the Rye
So this tweet from John Lovett (@johnlovett) caught my attention last week:
Having been flooded with Black Friday and Cyber Monday sales figures, my first thought was how small that $7M sounded compared to the $1.25B that was spent online that day. How small? Well .56% small. I thought it was curious that John would trumpet a number that frankly was about equal to the Cyber Monday sales that were influenced by my Mom’s bridge league. Being the sumbitch I am I responded:
(Note: I'm patenting #WhoopDeeFrigginDo” so don’t get any wise ideas about stealing it)
The rest of the conversation went something like this…
The response this seemingly benign tweet started, prompted this blog post from John: Counting ROI in Pennies with Social Media, which deferred to the tired explanation that has always been given regarding social media and revenue – “It’s a method to engage with people on a meaningful level and to allow them to engage with one another.” Swear to God if I hear another “It’s not about the money. It’s about engagement”, I’m gonna stab myself in the ear with a fork. To me this explanation roughly translates to “Revenue? Oh this social media shit doesn’t drive revenue, but it’s a lot more fun than that other Marketing bullshit we do, and it’s the best explanation we got to keep doing it.”
Listen, I get it, social media is about connecting and engaging “on a meaningful level” (whatever the Hell that means). I’ve been at the Marketing rodeo long enough to understand and appreciate that there are many arrows in the Marketing quiver and each serves its own purpose, but I take you back to the tweet that started this whole thing…
It didn’t start with a debate about the role of social media; it started with a statement about its contribution to sales, I.E. $$$$. My less than enthusiastic response spoke to a fairly pitiful contribution.
But here’s my point (and it echoes John’s when he speaks about outcomes). If social media is going to be accepted as a legitimate business tool, it will eventually have to measure its value to the organization. If it’s not through revenue (assisted or direct) then it has to be by some other measurable criteria. Give me something a little more concrete that “It’s about engagement”, you know, something I can put on an excel spreadsheet.
It was John’s own colleague, Jim Sterne (@JimSterne), who wrote in ‘Social Media Metrics: How to Measure and Optimize Your Marketing Investment’ that there are only three true business goals: Increasing revenue, lowering costs, and increasing customer satisfaction. At the risk of putting words in Jim’s mouth, everything else is bullshit. Interestingly, each one of those business goals can be measured and some of those metrics have nothing to do with dollars.
So Social Media folks, what’s it gonna be? Are you gonna hang on to this ‘engagement’ rouse you been feeding the boss, or are you going to put your analytic mouth where your engagement money is and identify some measurable outcomes that deliver true (and measurable) value to the organization.
I’d suggest the latter, because as a marketing guy with a few miles on his tires, I can tell you that when times get tough, the people shown the door first are the ones delivering ‘engagement’ not the ones delivering Benjamins. Be brave, identify some outcomes for your Social Media efforts, and measure the crap out of it. You might find that you can deliver more than just engagement.
There, I said it, I’m glad.
The All-Time Worst Promotion in History Ever
I heard a radio ad the other day that actually caught my attention. Imagine that, a radio ad that caught my attention…score one for old skool media. On the other hand it caught my attention for all the wrong reasons because it was promoting what has to be the worst promotion in the history of mankind. It was so stupid I actually have done some homework on it just to make sure I’m not over-reacting.
Really, it could happen
The promotion is Quaker State’s “Cash Back Bonus”. So why is it so horrible? Well actually, the promotion is actually called “Cash Back Bonus when you hit 300,000 miles”. No, that’s not a typo, 300,000 miles. First of all, who the Hell drives a car until it has 300,000 miles on it? Forget that, who makes a car that lasts 300,000 miles? I mean I have a car that has 197,861 miles on it and pray to God every morning that it doesn’t break apart on the Interstate. It makes noises that have never been heard by human ears before. If there’s a car out there made of some kryptonitic substance that gives it a half-life of 1,000 years please let me know. But for the purposes of this blog I’ll play along and deconstruct the merits of this program for you.
So, for my analysis I’ll use the Toyota Camry as the example. It’s been one of the best-selling (and reliable) cars since the 1800’s and seems a logical choice. Using industry averages I will assume that I am driving 15,000 miles per year and getting oil changes every 5,000 miles. Using those parameters I would reach 300,000 miles in 13.3 years. Now if you read the fine print, you are required to use one of Quaker States “Specialty” motor oils (i.e. expensive). Of course there are other requirements like keeping ALL your oil change receipts and some other things that on their own make cash back unattainable, but again I am throwing all reason out the window.
So, let’s continue…
I did backwards math to determine that if that car were eligible today it would be a 1998 model year. Using a generous description of its condition on Kelly Blue Book that car had an estimated trade-in value of $1,867 in very good condition. Now, I could argue that most 13 year old cars with 300,000 miles are a piece of shit that even the most desperate teenager wouldn’t be caught dead in and is more likely a target of demolition derby enthusiasts but again lets suspend disbelief for the moment.
Now, let’s remember that you’re required to use “specialty” motor oil. Estimating the cost of that over using standard oil I figured that you’ll pay an additional $12 for each of the 40 oil changes you’ll have to perform costing you an additional $480.
So the net-net is that you’ll arrive at the eligibility for this promotion with Quaker State providing you a check for $1,867. Subtract the additional cost of Specialty oil and you’re left with $1,387….and a piece of shit car that will challenge the dignity of even the most frugal driver. Congratulations, Quaker State just rewarded you with a bonus of about $100 a year for using its specialty oil. Of course this comes with the assumptions of:
• You even making it to 300,000. If the duct tape holding it together falls apart at 299,000 you’re SOL.
• Anyone at Quaker State even acknowledging that the program ever existed 13 years from now and can stop laughing that you even bit on it.
• You have the humility to keep all the receipts, meet all the requirements, fill out all the paperwork, and have the willingness to acknowledge that you actually drove that rust bucket that long.
It could happen
But let’s face it. This thing is some demented piece of science fiction that was probably borne out of a marketing department that was tasked with coming up with a promotion that sounded unbelievable and masked the fact that it was also unachievable. I’m pretty sure that when the marketing folks at Quaker State were batting ideas around, it came down between the “Cash Back Bonus” and the “If You Hit a Sasquatch that is Riding a Unicorn with your Car & Bring it into the Quaker States Offices Alive, We’ll Give You $1,867 Sweepstakes” because the odds are roughly equivalent of either being fulfilled.
If I have offended someone who right now is driving that 1998 Toyota Camry with 300,000 miles on it only through the miracle of Quaker State Specialty oil, I offer my sincere apologies…actually I offer my insane curiosity of ‘what the hell????”
For Quaker State I offer my sincere amazement that this promotion actually made its way into existence without someone in the meeting dying of laughter. Your belief that this would actually encourage someone to take the 300,000 challenge is admirable if it weren’t so obviously disingenuous.
For all you other marketers out there, the lesson is to not treat the public like a bunch of idiots. They are way smarter than you give them credit for.
As for me, while the world waits for Quaker State to prove the existence of the mythical “300,000 car”, I’m going hunting for Unicorn-riding Sasquatches in my 2000 Toyota Sienna (197,884 miles and hanging by a thread).
Are Conferences Obsolete?
The Conference Room after the Pre-Conference Reception
When I first entered the work force one of the best perks around was being able to attend trade shows and conferences. What was not to love? You got away from the drudgery of the 9-5 grind, got to go to strange and exotic places (like Cleveland for example), and were generally given meals and accommodations well beyond what you were used to in real life. There were no sweeter words than “per diem”, which I think is Latin for “eat whatever you want, the company is paying for it” (SIDE NOTE: Have you ever noticed how fancy some people get when they are spending someone else’s money?).
I can’t say I’ve done a lot of work related travel, after all, I am waaaaaay too important to leave the office for any length of time, but I have been able to travel to some parts of this world that I wouldn’t have never seen otherwise. (Quick Disclaimer: For those that envy business travelers, while it seems like a paid vacation from the outside, I can tell you that traveling on the company dime isn’t nearly as fun or as glamorous as it often appears).
But that was then and this is now: Then, was pre-internet where communication was done primarily by phone, mail, and in person. Al Gore had not invented the Internets yet and conferences and trade shows were by default a location-based activity. Oh how the world has changed since then.
Today, I am barraged with emails inviting me to download whitepapers (98% appear to talk about how important it is to have a social media presence), sign up for webinars (98% appear to talk about how important it is to have a social media presence), or view live coverage of events (98% appear to talk about how important it is to have a social media presence). If I never felt like working, I could easily fill my brain with enough information to, well, fill my brain, all from the comfort of my desk. There is literally nothing you can’t learn with a few well-booleaned Google searches. Seriously, I did brain surgery on my dog this afternoon after Googling “How to do brain surgery on my dog”. (Mental Note: Google “where can I bury my dead dog” later).
The Conference on 'Getting Attention Through Social Media' was a rousing success
This leads me to my point; Has digital media evolved to a point where business travel is becoming obsolete? Other than to enrich the industries that profit from business travelers (I’m looking at you mini-bar manufacturers), why do I really need to go to Orlando to learn about the latest social media techniques? What’s the value of venturing to Seattle to discover new advances in web analytics? Tell me the ROI of going to the junket, drunk-fest, douchebag convention, think tank that is South By Southwest. The truth is, you don’t need to go beyond your comfy little cube to be the smartest man on the planet on almost any subject you want. Yet these conferences continue to thrive, grow, and be well-attended.
Now, liars proponents will tell you, “Being face to face is the most effective way to learn and interact” (Translation: Dude, how am I gonna figure out who’s hiring so I can angle for a new and better job at a different company). They might tell you “rubbing shoulders with the customer is the best way to get deals done” (translated: Dude, sure I know the customer is going to renew, but I love free Ruth Chris Steaks, so a little business dinner on the road is a win-win). You will often hear “By removing yourself from the distraction of the office, you are able to focus on activities that will enhance your development and benefit the company” (Translation: Dude, when you’re on the road, it’s harder for the boss to see what a slack you are and if the strip joint restaurant is smart, they know how to
Yes, can you put "Moderately priced chicken risotto" on the receipt please
write a receipt that will not only pay for your filet mignon but also allow you to over-expense the company and profit from the trip). Another popular argument is “by going out into the field you are better able to understand the market and its needs and demands” (translated: Dude, Cirque de Soleil can only be truly appreciated in Vegas). Finally, an oldie but goodie is “I’ll be able to bring back knowledge that I can share with the team (translated: “fuck the team, they already loathe me because I got to go to London and they didn’t, and by the time the boss remembers that I didn’t do a knowledge transfer, whatever I learned will be outdated, and I’ll have to go to the next conference for a refresher”).
The dirty little secret is that most of these trips aren’t necessary. The company will probably do just fine if you miss that “Mobile Marketing: Your Roadway to Success” conference in Tempe. You can probably find 14 webcasts on ‘YouTube Channel best practices’ that will teach you more than that “Leveraging Video Content for Sales Success” event in New York. And I know for Goddamn sure that whatever the fuck they talk about at South By Southwest Interactive isn’t something that can’t be learned at some loud noisy bar on a Friday night at your local college campus (I mean that’s pretty much what happens at SXSW right?).
Don’t get me wrong, if you can convince the company that you need to attend every conference in the country like some weed-smokin’ Phish fan, more power to you. Just be on notice that the day will come when the gravy train ends and we’ll look back and say “remember the days when we traveled the country for free to learn stuff we already knew?” Until then enjoy your free travel perks while you can, rack up those frequent flyer miles and 5 Stars restaurants because someday soon that pinhead Lionel in finance (who never travels) is gonna take a hard look at the books and ask “Why do we send Phil to San Francisco every year for MacWorld? Aren’t we in the semi-conductor business?”
* Disclaimer: While Dean talks a big game about his disdain for business travel and its uselessness, he is generally full of shit and disingenuous on the subject. He is more than happy to help you spend your per diem at a fine restaurant that has fresh cut chops, a wide selection of Brandy, and well-stocked humidor. Give him a call as he is available most evenings
Dean Shaw 